Its about making memories worth repressing
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
