hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
