too bad you live with your parents still
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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