3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
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Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
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I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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