i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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