I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
