Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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