Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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