How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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