can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
