Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
