the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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