The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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