The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My feet surprised me
Will exercising make me less horny?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
