If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
