Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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