idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
