Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
