Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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