New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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