Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
