soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
