this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
being pregnant is like rehab
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
