i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
