allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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