I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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