You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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