I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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