It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
