I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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