allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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