What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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