I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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