I am in a vortex of obligation.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
