i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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