this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
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Another day, another engagement, another cat
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
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I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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