everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
