His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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