Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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