Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
