i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
