The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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