Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
