i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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