A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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