When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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