it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
