So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
