watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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