Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
In America we eat man semen.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
