i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
