i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
