and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
