My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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