Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
