This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
